Spotify Announces News That Led Zeppelin Fans Would Have Been Waiting 40 Years For… If Spotify Existed in 1973 Or Existed On Their Radar In 2013.
CNBC reports that Spotify has obtained the exclusive streaming rights to the music of Led Zeppelin.
3 Questions That Arise From This Story
1. “My vision is not very good, being 60 years old and all, and I thought you said ‘Def Leppard’ – how am I going to hear ‘Pour Some Sugar On Me’ as soon as possible?” Head to nearest Coyote Ugly or Best Buy showing the movie Coyote Ugly on every big screen immediately.
2.“Will they stream all of Led Zeppelin’s material, including the box set radio station liners saying stuff like ‘I’m Jimmy Page, and this DJ is insane!?’” That would be ironic if there is no DJ on Spotify. By the way, since you seem to be so familiar with the material on Led Zeppelin’s box set, why do you need Spotify?
3. “My local classic rock station only gets the Led out for one hour a day! Are you telling me that I can get the Led out with commercials, all day long? By the way, did I mention I never purchased nor illegally downloaded music in my life?” We believe that you’ve never purchased music or put it on an iPod because you are the insane DJ Jimmy Page was referring to, right?
Not The Worst News: We Just Got The Led Out And Will Never Be Writing About Led Zeppelin Again!
Sometimes a headline is so good that reading, or in this case viewing the news story could only lead to disappointment.
And our new favorite headline comes from King5.com:
“TSA agent confiscates sock monkey’s pistol.”
We could read on about the misadventures of sock monkey “Rooster Monkburn,” and his two inch toy pistol… or we could just write…
3 Questions That Arise From This Story
1. When is the TSA going to introduce separate lines for “people who have been on airplanes since 2001″ and “people who have never ridden an airplane?” Look, we get the sock puppet’s owner has a potentially legit, strong argument for bringing her pretend monkey with its pretend-toy gun on a plane. We just don’t want to be standing behind her in line, with no shoes, and no belts, as our pants fall down while we listen to her plead her case.
2. Who should be most embarrassed by this incident? It may not be the best day at work having to argue about sock puppet weaponry with a sock puppet expert. But clearly, the sock puppet should be most embarrassed because all of his sock friends got through security on people’s feet with no incident.
3. “Who is laughing now?” is what we imagine airport socks everywhere would say to the detained sock puppet, after their own embarrassment being worn three weeks straight without being washed by a recent college grad backpacking around Europe.
QMI Agency reports that a man fell asleep on a United Express plane, and woke up in a “cold, pitch-black cabin” in a parked plane in Houston after nobody noticed he was asleep in his seat when the passengers and the crew disembarked the plane.
3 Possible Explanations Of How Nobody Could Notice A Passenger Was Left Asleep On An Airplane
1. Flight crew were Macaulay Culkin’s parents in Home Alone.
2. Flight crew were Macaulay Culkin’s parents in Home Alone 2: Lost In New York. Technically, these were the same parents, but slightly older, and more prone to leaving their most precocious kid unattended, so how would you expect them to notice a non-precocious, sleeping plane passenger?
3. Seats too close together to notice passenger, who in fairness, resembled Chairry from Pee Wee’s Playhouse.
Not The Worst News: Your Source For 1980s and 1990s references to family programming.
Gigaom reports that Yahoo has acquired a company with live concert-streaming capabilities called “Evntlive,” which adds another company with few vowels to its stable after its purchases of Flickr, Tumblr, and a company we just wrote about days ago called “Ptch.”
3 Questions That Arise From This Ongoing Story
1. Does Yahoo CEO Marissa Mayer think that real world vowels cost more money after years of watching Wheel Of Fortune? We don’t know the answer to this, but we also don’t want to face Marissa in Wheel of Fortune because she will never buy the vowels, making the puzzles even harder to solve!
2. Has laziness caused by text messaging and internet chat room discussions resulted in a generation of people who have transformed the entire English language into shorthand and emoticons? Since these people do seem to be successful, we look forward to a world where everyone speaks in binary! 01001100010011110100110000100001
3. Did any of this new generation of wealthy start-up nerds get the joke in binary in the previous paragraph? For our regular readers, yes that is binary for “LOL!” Yes, in this changing world, we went there.
NtWstNws: Your source of binary jokes and other content that we wish an internet giant would purchase (only if we get to keep all of the vowels in any such agreement).
CNN reports that a winter storm may bring snow to Las Vegas.
3 Comments We Would Expect If It Snows In Las Vegas
1. “Snow has been around since at least 1600, but I want to bring in an expert, if you don’t mind to verify this is real snow, before I ask you how much you want for this snow?” – Rick From Pawn Stars
2. “Rick, I can tell you, I travel the world via sleigh every Christmas Eve, and this is authentic snow. And no two snow flakes are alike, which adds to the value. That said, snow in itself is pretty common outside of Las Vegas, so I’d say the entire collection is worth 5 cents. And only because the seller has been nice over the past year.” - Santa Claus
3. “In just moments, as part of my Cirque Du Soleil/magic show, I will perform the incredible feat of accurately forecasting the weather for the next five minutes. And I predict trapeze artists sailing through sunny clear skies. Oh, crap, another trick that didn’t turn out so awesome. Cut to the Mindfreak music.” - Criss Angel
If Your Password To Your Email Accounts Is “1,” Just Email Money To Random Scam Artists, And Save Your Friends And Family The Time Of Worrying If You Lost Your Wallet In Amsterdam!
Reuters reports that 2 million passwords to accounts of such stalwarts as Facebook, Twitter, Yahoo, and Google have been hacked using a server in the Netherlands.
Common passwords included “123456,” “123,” “password,” and “1.”
Three Questions That Arise From This Story
1. How lazy or uncreative do you have to be to have the password “1?” Unless you are a foam finger, you have no excuse. (Foam fingers think everything is #1! It’s not like they can type a complicated series of characters when their finger is too fat to hit anything on the keyboard. It takes a good fifty attempts for them to correctly enter one, after which they declare “This AOL web site is #1!”)
2. What valuable information could a hacker possibly steal from someone whose password is ’1?’ It’s a pretty fair assessment that if your password is that easy, you don’t know how to use your iPhone, where the only things people can steal are photos of your thumbprint blocking a shot, and a contact list that includes the default “Apple” 800 number, and nobody else.
3. What percentage of people entering “password” as their password are being ironic, and what percentage are just confused because they are being told to “enter password?” We’d wager 75% ironic, and they would make fun of us for the latter “enter password” joke for being a totally lame derivative of some similar old-people-don’t-know-how-to-use the internet joke that was so 2002! And while these hipsters were laughing ironically at us, someone would hack into their accounts as totally steal their tickets to the next concert of the National.
Yahoo reports that it has just acquired a company called Ptch, a mobile video and editing app. It added this to its recent acquisition of Tumblr, and not so recent acquisition of Flickr.
Three Questions That Arise From This Story
1. “If I start up a tech company with as few consonants as possible in the name, will Yahoo buy me out, making me rich?” This may sound like a simple plan, but we suspect just naming your company Simpl Pln will not make anyone buy your complex business of auctioning off auctions!
2. “What is Yahoo going to do with all of these consonants?” We’re not saying conspiracy, but just try to search for your favorite terms (aka Miley Cyrus – admit it) on a rival search engine without using any consonants!
3. “With Yahoo owning all of these consonants, should I challenge Yahoo CEO Marissa Mayer to Words With Friends?” It may initially seem like a good idea since you’ll suspect she’ll keep loading up in consonants. But then you’ll learn that “Rhythms” which has no consonants and uses all seven letters for a bonus will do you in on a triple word score!
The Gainesville Sun reports that Delta bumped all of the passengers off a flight from Gainesville to Atlanta to allow a University of Florida basketball team to fly on the plane instead. Reportedly the passengers noticed something was up when their flight was cancelled and a bunch of basketball players were headed to the plane they thought they were supposed to board.
3 Worse Things Then Getting Bumped From Your Plane For A College Basketball Team
1. Getting bumped from your plane for a college basketball team that traveled to a game that they lost. Oh wait, that actually happened. Well it would be worse if you bet a free airline-compensation-for-getting-bumped-voucher on the team that scored your seats and they lost!
2. Having a basketball team safely orchestrate an emergency landing on your deserted island, and then not get rescued. That happened in like five episodes of Gillian’s Island, right? If there’s two things you can count on the Harlem Globetrotters to do is: beat the Washington Generals and never rescue anyone on Gilligan’s Island!
3. Hiding on a deserted island because you are a member of the hapless Washington Generals, and tired of the humiliation of losing almost every game in history. And then the Harlem Globetrotters have a safe emergency landing on your island, and beat your team 124-2, and then don’t even rescue you when they leave!
Of Course Putting Solar Panels On The Moon And Sending The Energy By Lasers Back To Earth Will Solve The World’s Energy Problems!
Yahoo reports that a Japanese corporation is toying with the idea of covering the moon with a ring of solar panels called “Luna Ring” and then beaming the renewable energy back to Earth via lasers and microwaves.
3 Comments We Might Expect If This Happens In The Future
1. “Aww, man, I didn’t ask for free laser eye surgery again today! All this awesome vision creeps me out now that I can see those Amazon drones approaching from 2,000 miles away.”
2. “Oh, great, instead of delivering me delicious gourmet popcorn kernels from Amazon, that Amazon drone delivered me fully popped popcorn after flying through the microwaves! And some of the kernels are unpopped, while others are burnt! They can put a Luna Ring on the moon, and humankind still can’t master popcorn!”
3. “Yes, history class, putting solar panels on the moon once seemed like a good idea, until we realized we had to put solar panels on the Earth to receive the moon’s energy, and then we realized we could have just skipped the middleman and put the solar panels on the Earth in the first place. And that’s how one giant ad for Playstation wound up on the moon.”
CNBC reports Amazon is experimenting with drones as a potential future delivery method of whatever smaller items you are ordering from Amazon (hopefully not butterflies because that sounds inefficient).
3 Questions That Arise From This Story
1. “But what if I need to get a drone delivered to my house? Will it be delivered by another drone? And what if they mate along the way creating new drones? I only wanted, like, one drone, not a basket full of unwanted drones on my doorstep.”
2. Is there really anything available on Amazon that you need so badly you require a drone to deliver it instead of waiting a day or however long it takes to order things on Amazon? That cheap, knock-off PhonePad Air isn’t going anywhere fast, even if it does have the word “Air” in its name.
3. If everyone buys everything from Amazon via drones, where are the kids who used to hang out at the mall going to hang out, now that malls are obsolete? Well, looks like the days of teenagers sneaking out of second-story suburban windows to head to parties are over, as drones will pick them up at their windows and deliver everyone to whatever field (or demolished apocalyptic mall rubble) the party is at. (Note to Katie Holmes, this still may not stop James Van Der Beek from showing up at your window the old-fashioned way.)