Elite Daily reports that a new app (that you can see demonstrated by clicking here) may allow you to read books at a rate of 500 words per minute. It manipulates the words so that your brain can process them faster.
This reportedly may allow you to read a novel in 90 minutes.
Three Questions That Arise From This Story
1. “So I can read the novelization of Dude, Where’s My Car? in the exact same time as it takes to watch the movie? Sweet!”
2. “Wait a minute… can’t I even save more time by watching the movie in fast forward, and find out where the car is even sooner?” Yes, and you can save even more time by not paying to see these kind of movies which will only encourage Hollywood to make the same movie again and again.
3. “Even at 500 words a minute and watching the video of the English Patient in fast forward, why is it, again, I’m supposed to like the book or movie?” Just be happy you didn’t have to watch El Paciente Inglés with Spanish-to-English subtitles scrolling down the screen faster than an ESPN Deportes score ticker.
Whenever we get a chance, we at Not The Worst News like to write posts on the entries of readers who follow us.
So we recently decided that whoever our 1,000th follower was, we’d visit their blog, and write an entry based on one of our entries.
And our 1,000th follower is an 18 year-old from the United Kingdom blogging under the name iccletash, who has been blogging for about two weeks. So yes, we have a choice of blogging about her article on her cat or on young love…
We’re going to go with her entry entitled “Young love true or fake?“
Here’s an excerpt:
“I see alot of people on facebook saying ‘your 13 how can you be in love you don’t know the meaning of it’ and so on, but can you be in love at a young age or do you think you are in love like a crush? I know of a few people that got together young, and are married with kids till this day, so what does that say?”
You can check out her blog to chime in your opinion… until then, we will answer her question using today’s celebrities…
Celebrity Young Love – True Or Fake?
1. Katy Perry and John Mayer. Extra reported today that Mayer “got cozy” with another woman. But that doesn’t mean his love for Katy is unreal. Based on John Mayer’s song “Your Body Is A Wonderland,” we’re guessing he thinks women are bizarre places where Johnny Depp shows up in an eccentric outfit and collects a pay check. In other words, any film set with a $200 million budget. So if he thinks a woman’s body is similar to that, we cannot determine if his love is true or a drug-induced hallucination. Conclusion: uncertain!
2. Justin Bieber and the Prostitute He Reportedly Spent Time With In A Brazilian Brothel. While we’d be tempted to say it’s fake because someone’s presumably paying for the experience, we’re going to go with it being real because based on recent reports, we’re guessing the Biebs loves anyone who is not publishing images of him in a jail cell for the world to see, even if they’re nice enough to edit out his genitals. Conclusion: perhaps it seemed true, but we don’t know because unlike the rest of Justin Bieber’s life, cameras weren’t there.
3. Mila Kunis and Ashton Kutcher. Congratulations to the newly engaged couple, unless this is all a prank on another surprise season of Punk’d, in which case, oops, sorry, fake!
The LA Times reports that numerous other reports state that Facebook is buying a Mexican company that makes drones.
This follows a December CNN report that Google acquired a company with “strong ties to the U.S. Military” that makes “animal-like” robots.
The good news is that Facebook reportedly will use the drones to provide the internet to remote and impoverished areas, which may mean more people can at least build virtual farms via Farmville while stranded on desert islands.
Three More Things We’d Like To See The World’s Largest Internet And Mobile Companies Acquire
1. A copy of Terminator 2: Judgment Day. Just a reminder, in case anyone is trying to create something called Skynet, that the humans always win against the robots.
2. A hide and seek application. Who wouldn’t want to play hide and seek against drones and robots that know your location since you checked into the local Chuck E. Cheese’s? Don’t worry – an animatronic singing mouse will totally protect you from the incoming drones and robot-like animals who only want to feel love like humans and show you ads.
3. The rights to the Academy Awards. Hey, if everyone at the Academy Awards is going to post selfies on Twitter, and everyone watching the Academy Awards at home is going to comment on how bored they are on Twitter, why not marry the entire experience into a series of Tweets? With speeches limited to just 140 characters, the entire show can be over with time to actually watch one of the typically three-hour+ Best Pictures winners.
Oscar host Ellen DeGeneres spent a lot of last night running around the Oscars with her Samsung device. But as is often the case, celebrities don’t necessarily do the best job of promoting non-Apple technology.
Specifically, backstage, Ellen tweeted a photo of Jared Leto, apparently unaware, in a Business Insider screenshot you can see here, that the Tweet would mention it was sent via “Twitter For iPhone.”
And then there was her on-stage selfie-Tweet, taken from the Samsung device, which she gave the hashtag #Blurry, because the pic, was… well…. blurry.
This reminds us of when we wrote about Oprah praising the Microsoft Surface from an iPad. So there are many nominees for Best Tech Actress if such an award is ever given out.
3 Oscars We’d Like To See Involving Technology Next Year
1. Best conversation forwarded from your email account when you really wanted to forward just one message in a “conversation.” We hope the winner is a web portal mail team confusedly talking amongst themselves as to what exactly an arrow forward button really means any more, since we have no clue, either.
2. Best demonstration that the world has changed so that even people at the Oscars are bored enough to check their smart phones. And we nominate Amy Adams, who was caught on camera doing just that at the awards show. Don’t worry, Amy, we know how you feel. We’ve seen the movie where you play a blogging chef, which was boring enough that we were wishing we could watch your boring performance surrounded by Muppets on our iPhones during it.
3. Best performance as a regular person. And the nomination goes to all the stars who ate pizza in their expensive formalwear and also posed in a group photo on Twitter. See, they’re just like you! In fact, last night, they were so much just like you, that perhaps you should apply for their jobs, because whatever you were doing on Instagram video was probably more entertaining.
CTV reports, in a video that can be seen here that Toronto Mayor, Rob Ford, was picked up at LAX by Jimmy Kimmel, dressed as a chauffeur.
That said, if he was there, here’s 3 awards we’d like to give Mayor Ford.
1. Best Actor – In A Leading Role. He is technically an elected “leader,” and certainly has put on a wide variety of acting performances on YouTube, and CBC news, including the classic “acting like he did not smoke crack” interview scene.
2. Best Supporting Bad Ideas Actor. From possibly reading and driving, to flying LA to apparently promote Toronto, Rob Ford has acted in many ways to support bad ideas.
3. Best Foreign Language Film. With a wide array of foreign languages spoken on YouTube videos, ranging from “Angry Indiscernible WWE Accent” to Jamaican Patois, Rob Ford has demonstrated his diverse range, including an apparent inability to understand Canadian English, given he has refused to leave office despite many apparent suggestions by those who speak Canadian to do so.
We saw this display in a store front window today, featuring a child-sized mannikin.
Three Questions That Arise From This Display
1. Why is there no “World’s Best Mom” T-Shirt in the display? Because the world’s best mom is busy not thinking “My nerdy kids will love wearing this in gym class, which I will force them to do, because I certainly know more about fashion than them, since they are nerds, after all.”
2. What did the garments that were not selected for the display say? We want to know if kids’ briefs with “Wedgie” written on the back did not make the cut.
3. Perhaps this is meant to be worn ironically? Is it ironic if a school yard bully wears a t-shirt with “NERD” written on it, perhaps while giving a wedgie to the kid in the Superman shirt in the display? Yes, that would be ironic. However, if bullies were actually paying attention to the definition of “irony” in English class, they would themselves be knowledgeable enough to qualify as nerds by their own definition, meaning the shirt could not possibly be worn ironically by them.
However, if you are ironically wearing a nerd shirt out of nerd pride, we congratulate you on your confidence. Now please convince people climate change is a thing, since some people don’t seem to like to listen to those nerd scientists. Oh, and maybe consider a Generra Hypercolor T-Shirt from the 1980s, because when you show them touching a shirt will change its color, they will never question science again! Or they might press the letters of the word “NERD” on your hypercolor shirt, in which case you could have saved time and money by buying the shirt in this display.
Yesterday, we wrote about a Tumblr site that superimposes celebrity eyebrows over their mouths to resemble moustaches in a way that would make Rich Uncle Pennybags proud.
And then we listed some other things we’d like to see photoshopped over celebrity mouths. Here’s three more…
1. Crack pipe declaring “World’s Best Mayor” over Toronto mayor Rob Ford’s mouth. Please note: the world we are referring to is a world where giving someone a “World’s Best Mother” cocoa mug means that you and the other six million made-in-China mug recipients are the best of the best!*
2. The word “Bazinga” over the guy from Big Bang Theory‘s mouth. Spoiler alert: the smart nerd says “Bazinga” a lot, based on the commercials we’ve seen, yet is somehow not smart enough to know this is not witty. So why not give the CBS viewers what they want, and have the line ready to create laughs all the time on his face. “Why are you looking at me that way,” the character could say for six seasons while someone wrote “Bazinga” in magic marker on his face while he was sleeping.
3. @#$#$@! in a bubble over Q-bert’s mouth. Everyone will think Q-bert is swearing in frustration, after another fall off the pyramid. But little do they know, @#$#@! is Q-bert’s twitter address. Yes, Q-bert was ahead of his time. Also, as far as we can tell, he did not have a mouth, so putting words above his mouth will be as much of a miracle as his nose-swearing.
*and even better if you spent all day in a factory making mugs for cocoa you can’t afford to help support your children!
A new Tumblr site called “Browstache” by Sam Cannon takes photos of celebrities and uses some sort of photo-altering, magical technology to move their eyebrows above their mouths, like a classic mustache! The results look remarkably natural and you can view the Tumblr page by clicking here.
Three Things We’d Like To Also See Photoshopped Over Celebrity Mouths.
1. Barack Obama’s birth certificate over Donald Trump’s mouth. If this means we hear less shouting about birth certificates because the proof is over Donald Trump’s mouth, it’s a win-win. Plus people might say, “Donald, you look younger! I don’t know what it is… is it the birth certificate over your mouth with a younger year of birth?”
2. Pinocchio’s nose over the mouth of any member of any political party being interviewed on cable news. Hey, audiences need some entertainment when politicians just repeat talking points without answering questions. Works better in 3D, even though some politicians might say 3D is a hoax, regardless of what science says.
3. Tongue depressor over Miley’s Cyrus mouth. She’s been sticking out her tongue sooooo much lately, might as well check for nodes on her tonsils to make sure she will be providing us with quality music for years to come. Also, we kinda hope a tongue depressor would make her tongue “depressed,” so that it would curl up, back in her mouth and take a nap, making us see just a bit less of it.
It seems a lot of you are recently viewing an entry we wrote in April, 2013, based on a reported real poll indicating that 4% of Americans say Reptilian people control the world. The poll was conducted by Public Policy Polling, so we decided to check their website to see if sentiment was changing.
While we were unable to find a newer poll about reptilian people, we did find an October, 2013 poll, by Public Policy Polling which you can view by clicking here.
Here is the most relevant question from the poll:
“Do you think the U.S. government has secretly
allowed aliens to take over our society in
exchange for help with industrial technological
advances, such as electric power and the
microwave, or not?
No …………………………………………………………. 86%
Not sure …………………………………………………. 10%”
You just read the “news” part of our site, Not The Worst News. For our new readers, we now move to the comedy about that news part…
Three Questions That Arise From This Poll
1. If true, who negotiated this deal? Our microwaves lose track of time in a split second power failure, and won’t stop beeping when the popcorn is ready. We know the popcorn is ready. Our homes smell like popcorn and we heard the popping stop. Dear microwave, will you please just stop beeping while we finish our phone call to complain to our local representatives for not at least getting an iPhone 5S thrown in exchange for letting aliens rule society?
2. Does the fact that only 3% of people believe aliens are running the show in this poll, while 4% of people believed lizards were running the show in the last poll mean that 1% believe lizards from this planet are running the show? Well, we guess this could be a potential explanation of where the dinosaurs really went (perhaps they are hiding in Sears stores across the U.S.).
3. Dear ten percent of people who are “not sure,” have you asked yourself “Hey, if the aliens already had sophisticated technology like microwaves, and electricity, oh and spaceships that might move at the speed of light, do you really believe they might have needed to negotiate a deal to secretly take over America?” If so, a man in an alien suit would like to sell you a microwave marked “Made In China” for five-hundred times the retail price at Wal-Mart. Just hand him the money, so you can microwave popcorn while you wait for a pollster to phone you to figure out how China got microwave technology out of this American-alien deal.